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Christmas was memorable this year. Santa dropped a few little goodies off in the stockings optimistically laid out by Freda and Edie and the rest of the day passed in a blur of rushing from house to house, office to office, office to house, delivering gifts and saying goodbye to people. I didn't want to eat, didn't want to have my traditional Christmas reflexology, didn't want to open gifts. I wanted to see as many of my colleagues as possible and hand out some gifts. Mr Li moved us with the same gesture, delivering some fresh (one could still smell the ink as he entered the room) calligraphy - a traditional verse with symbolic reference to mountains, rivers and sky, representing enduring friendship. It was a strange day, saying goodbye to people just incase I don't make it back in February, but still intending to return to complete my contract. Even if I make it back, I was aware that Ali and the girls may not. That means it's the end of an era, which left me profoundly sad.

People assume that if and when I get home sick or frustrated with my work, that "it's time to leave", "to go home". In fact, it often means that it's time for a rest or to knuckle down and keep on going, until things get better. I don't want to leave me job and I'm not ready to leave China, though I know that I shall embrace the future whichever way it turns. Nevertheless, that doesn't change how I feel. I love our life in Yunnan, even if I complain about the spitting or being gawked at, even if some days I don't feel like leaving the house or fall asleep in torment over work or personal struggles. Unlike many of the foreigners we know in China, I like living there and I haven't 'had enough'. I love the food, love the diversity and complexity of the
culture and love the Chinese people we live amongst in Yunnan.

I write this on the day authorities confirm the execution of a UK citizen allegedly caught smuggling drugs. This creates a struggle in me. How can I work for a country that commits a fellow Brit to death after a 30-minute hearing with (allegedly) minimal interpretation or legal counsel? How can I work for a country that commits anyone to death (I would ask myself the same question in several US states)? The fact is, I don't in fact feel that I do work for 'them'. I have been brought to help implement the government's educational reform (something I actually agree with) but I am striving to improve the lives of people in marginalised, impoverished communities who are especially vulnerable to the whims and injustices of the authorities. The apparent atrocities carried out by the Chinese government motivate me to work even harder in my work. What this incident confirms is the government's  intransigence and terrifiying imperviousness to the outside world, giving it a freedom to do what it wishes. Perhaps disregard for global opinion is its ultimate power, a reminder that they need the West less than the West needs them. How long can you go without buying (and enjoying the inexpense of) a product made in China? The inability of Gordon Brown, the British Ambassador and a number of human rights organisations to prevent today's execution is a reminder that China's willingness to enter any number of symbiotic trade or cultural relations with the West doesn't make it a push-over. China hasn't gone soft.  I find myself reflecting again on how happy I am to have received the National Friendship Award. Is it really such a great achievement or merely an act of selling out? At the end of the day, the Chinese government gave it to me, a British woman who they know promotes values of equality and empowerment to their people. Perhaps the National Friendship Award represents the humility and conscience  of the nation, while today's (and every other day's) death penalty reflects their unrelenting, unquestionning power.  What I do feel certain of, for now, is that if all those people who disapprove of 'China's' behaviour now choose to give up or leave, what hope is there left for change?

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On Christmas Day we invited some friends to our house for tea and Christmas cake (thank you Charlotte in Hong Kong). [from left to right] Our guests included Zhang Fei, Zhang Lingyu, Hou Wanxia, Liao Xinli and Gan Laoshi.



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